Bull Durham

Annie Savoy

• [Opening narration] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn’t work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there’s no guilt in baseball, and it’s never boring… which makes it like sex. There’s never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn’t have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I’d never sleep with a player hitting under .250… not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there’s a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I’ve got a ballplayer alone, I’ll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. ‘Course, a guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. ‘Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball – now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God’s sake? It’s a long season and you gotta trust. I’ve tried ’em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.

• [narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it’s also a job.

[edit] Crash Davis

• [to Nuke] Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You’ll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you’ll be classy. Win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press’ll think you’re colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it only means you are a slob.

[edit] Dialogue

Ebby: [After he has challenged Crash to a fight] I don’t hit no man first.

Crash Davis: All right, then… [throws him a baseball] …hit me in the chest with that.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I’d kill you!

Crash Davis: Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat. [the crowd that has gathered gawks] Come on; right here, right in the chest.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: No way!

Crash Davis: C’mon, Meat! Throw it! You know you’re not gonna hit me, cause you’ve already started to think about it, eh? Thinkin’ about how embarassing it would be to miss in front of all these people, how somebody might laugh? Come on, ‘rook, show us that million-dollar arm. ‘Cause I got; oh yeah, I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours.

[LaLoosh throws the ball and misses Crash by several feet, breaking a window]

Crash Davis: Ball four.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Who the hell are you, man?!

[LaLoosh charges at Crash, who drops him with one punch to the face]

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Good punch…

Crash Davis: I’m Crash Davis; I’m your new catcher, and you just got lesson number one; Don’t think. You can only hurt the ball club.

Annie: Millie, you’ve got to stay out of the clubhouse. It’ll just get everybody in trouble.

Millie: I got lured.

Annie: You didn’t get “lured”. Women never get lured. They’re too strong and powerful for that. Now say it — “I didn’t get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions”.

Millie: I didn’t get lured and I will take responsibility for my actions.

Annie: That’s better.

[…]

Annie: Well let’s get down to it, honey — how was he?

Millie: Well, he fucks like he pitches. Sorta all over the place

Annie Savoy: These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy – kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.

Crash Davis: Time out. Why do you get to choose?

Annie Savoy: What?

Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don’t I get to choose, why doesn’t he get to choose?

Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it’s all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don’t understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it’s like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can’t do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.

[Crash laughs]

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?

Annie Savoy: Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!

[Crash gets up to leave]

Annie Savoy: Oh, where are you going?

Crash Davis: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don’t try out. Besides, uh, I don’t believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.

Annie Savoy: What do you believe in, then?

Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. [pause] Goodnight.

Annie Savoy: Oh my. Crash…

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Hey, Annie, what’s all this molecule stuff?

Crash Davis: Relax, all right? Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic.

Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh: [to himself] What’s this guy know about pitching? If he’s so good how come he’s been in the minors for the last ten years? If he’s so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?

Crash Davis: [turns back] Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don’t know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you’ll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let’s have some fun out here! This game’s fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don’t hold the ball so hard, OK? It’s an egg. Hold it like an egg.

Nuke: [to himself again] What’s he know about fun? I’m young. I know about fun. An old man. He don’t know nothin’ about fun.

Crash: [behind the plate again]: All right. Nobody’s goin’ out there. [Crash calls for a curve ball.]

Nuke:[to himself]: Why’s he calling for a curve ball? I want to bring heat. Shake him off. Throw what you want.

[Crash gives Nuke the sign for the pitch, Nuke shakes his head again. Crash walks to the mound.]

Crash: Why are you shaking me off?

Nuke: I want to bring the heater. Announce my presence with authority.

Crash: To announce what?

Nuke: My presence with authority.

Crash: To announce your presence with authority?! This guy’s a first ball fastball hitter, looking for the heat.

Nuke: So what? He ain’t seen my heat.

Crash: All right, Meat. Give him your heat. [He walks back to his place behind the plate.]

Nuke: Why’s he always calling me Meat? I’m the guy driving a Porsche.

Crash: [to the batter at the plate] Fastball.

[Nuke throws it and the batter hits a home run. The batter stands there, watching.]

Crash: What are you doing standing here? I gave you a gift. You stand here showing up my pitcher? Run, dummy.

Crash Davis: I never told him to stay out of your bed.

Annie Savoy: You most certainly did.

Crash Davis: I never told him to stay out of your bed.

Annie Savoy: Yes you did.

Crash Davis: I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.

Annie Savoy: Oh fine.

Crash Davis: You know why? Because they don’t – -they don’t happen very often.

Annie Savoy: Right.

Crash Davis: If you believe you’re playing well because you’re getting laid, or because you’re not getting laid, or because you wear women’s underwear, then you are! And you should know that!

[long pause]

Crash Davis: Come on, Annie, think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.

Annie Savoy: I want you.

[Larry jogs out to the mound to break up a players’ conference]

Larry: Excuse me, but what the hell’s going on out here?

Crash Davis: Well, Nuke’s scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man’s here. We need a live… is it a live rooster?

[Jose nods]

Crash Davis: . We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose’s glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.

[to the players]

Crash Davis: Is that about right?

[the players nod]

Crash Davis: We’re dealing with a lot of shit.

Larry: Okay, well, uh… candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she’s registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let’s get two! Go get ’em.